


But If My Silence Made You Leave

by Arvi



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode: s15e18 Despair, First Kiss, M/M, Sad Dean Winchester, small references to episode 19 too but not enough to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:20:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27607547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arvi/pseuds/Arvi
Summary: Yet another Coda of sorts to 15.18 - Dean's PoV. How does he pick himself up after losing Cas? Also the reunion after because I want a happy ending.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 60





	But If My Silence Made You Leave

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [So I would choose to be with you](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27425536) by [Arvi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arvi/pseuds/Arvi). 



> If this seems familiar in places it's because I initially wrote the reunion from Cas' PoV and then decided to write Dean's PoV as well. This one ends a little earlier though, halfway through my other Coda.
> 
> Thanks to saminzat for the beta! Any remaining mistakes are all mine but there certainly were more of them before.

**But if my silence made you leave (then that would be my worst mistake)**

Dean sat on the floor. On some level he heard his phone buzzing, still Sammy, felt his limbs going numb, the tears drying on his cheeks, making them itchy.

But none of that mattered, did it? Cas was gone. Cas was gone because of Dean. He had smiled, as the Empty took him, took Death.

If Dean hadn't been so fucking stupid he wouldn't have gone after Billie. He should've recognized it was Chuck, not her. If she hadn't been reminded of him she would've left them be. Cas wouldn't have had to use the Empty to stop her.

Cas would still have had his stupid fucking deal – what did that even mean, what he wanted he knew he couldn't have? If he wanted Dean, in whatever way, shape or form he would only have had to ask, would only have had to stay.

Dean took a deep, shuddering breath.

That wasn't fair to Cas. It wasn't Cas's fault Dean hadn't made it clear that Cas meant everything to him. He had assumed Cas knew, the angel that he was. Had seen it in Dean's dreams, in his mind, heard it through any of the hundreds of prayers. Or that Cas would've known what the mixtape meant. What it meant to humans, at least.

But Cas hadn't known. Cas had died not knowing he was loved, so very much.

Dean hadn't known Cas loved him, either. He had thought, maybe, sometimes, that at the end he might have that chance, the possibility that there might be something one day. But an angel of the lord, in love with him? An angel in love with a human, like Serafina and Adam. What was he supposed to do with this knowledge? With this confession, so profound, so honest, so stunningly beautiful?

He hadn't been able to speak, not even to beg Cas not to die, not to tell him everything Dean had never dreamed to hear only to leave him behind just after. A split second of happiness before Cas was taken away. It felt like Dean was just as empty as that terrible void that had swallowed his best friend in front of him. The best friend he had wanted something else with. The best friend he had wanted to kiss, for so long.

Cas had said that everything Dean did, the good and the bad, was because of love. That he was so full of love he had changed Cas, made him care for the entire world because of Dean. Made him care for Dean enough to sacrifice himself to save Dean from his own stupidity.

How was he supposed to face Sam, face Jack? He wished the Empty had taken him along.

Cas loved Dean, had loved him for all those years. Had loved him when Dean turned into a demon, when he chose to leave Dean to be happy with Lisa and Ben, preferring to deal with Crowley.

Cas had loved him through all those rejections, when he sent him away from the bunker as a newly human, when he told him everything that went wrong was Cas' fault. It didn't make any sense.

Dean was one human, a normal guy who liked burgers and pie, too angry most of the time. And an angel of the lord had fallen for him, in nearly every way. How was a guy supposed to understand that?

Would Cas still be here if he'd had the balls to tell him he loved him? If he hadn't just started wooing the guy the human way, with movie nights and mixtapes? Or would the Empty have come to fetch him just because Dean confessed his love?

It wasn't fair. Dean felt the tears start trickling down his face again. He hadn't thought there were any tears left to cry, not after hours of just sitting there, not moving from the wall Cas had pushed him into.

In that final second he'd started to say it. Tried to tell Cas he loved him. The desperation to get it out before it was to late. But Cas had interrupted him, told him goodbye, and pushed him away, his hand on the same shoulder he had once branded.

What was Dean supposed to do now? Save the world, because Cas would've wanted him to? He might have somehow taught Cas to care for the world but right now without Cas in it the world meant nothing to him.

If Cas had known his sacrifice would devastate Dean, would he have been happy enough to get taken?

Cas had said happiness lay in just saying it. Not in having Dean, though he could have. Dean had never said it out loud. He had tried to show it, but hadn't been successful, obviously.

Maybe if he said it now it would help? It certainly couldn't make Dean feel worse.

His voice was hoarse from crying, but maybe, somehow, Cas would still hear him. He'd heard Jack, and sure, Jack was one of the most powerful beings in creation, but maybe their bond was profound enough, somehow, for Cas to hear Dean too.

He might as well pull out all the stops. So he moved, knelt, folded his hands like a good Christian was supposed to.

“Cas... I don't know if you can hear me, but I have to try. I didn't want to tell you this in prayer, and I never did tell you in person, though I should have. Cas, I love you, I have for years. I don't want you to leave, ever.” His voice broke. “Just come back, man. I can't do this without you. I won't rest till I get you back and I don't care who I have to fight. I'll fight the whole world for you.”

He had said everything he wanted to, but there was one bit he hadn't bothered to add to his prayers for years, one last word he whispered: “Amen.”

He didn't know why he even hoped Cas would appear in a flutter of wings like he used to, but there was silence still. A silence only broken by Dean's sobs as he dropped back on the floor, back against the wall.

He had said he would fight the world to get Cas back, but right now even getting up, even answering his phone, felt impossible.

Dean just sat there, staring at the wall on the other side of the room, not even perceiving anything.

His phone started buzzing again, and he finally swiped to answer.

Sam's voice was panicked. “Dean! Dean are you still there?”

Somehow he managed to choke out an answer: “Yeah. I'm alive.”

He'd get Cas back. Somehow. There was no other option.

* * *

It was later, weeks later, that they managed to fix everything. A miracle, if he'd ever heard of one. Well, weeks later that they managed to get Cas back, all the other people had shown back up sooner thanks to Jack. But here he was, sitting on a chair pulled from the library next to Cas, who was lying unconscious on Dean's bed, in Dean's room.

He had taken off Cas' suit, after they'd dragged him out of the Empty. It had been filthy, bloody and crumpled. Cas was lying there, right in front of him, breathing.

Dean would have a chance to talk to Cas. Would have a chance to tell him. Tell him everything, like Cas had told him, so openly, so honestly.

It had been a rough few weeks. Even after getting most of the world back they had still needed to deal with the Empty, with the dysfunctional Heaven that was about to lose power and release all those souls.

They'd been successful, killing two birds with one stone. The Empty was empty again, the angels back in Heaven. Keeping that bureaucracy up and running, promising not to interfere with humanity, like Rowena in Hell didn't change where souls were headed either. No more deals.

Cas should've been in Heaven too, but Naomi, with whom they'd had to deal, was rather insistent to return him to Earth, to Sam and Dean. She said Castiel had chosen Earth, chosen humanity before, and the angels would accept that choice. If he decided to come back to the fold they'd welcome him, but they didn't expect it to happen.

Dean would offer Cas the choice. Would offer him the option to go back to being an angel. But well, he'd spent the past few weeks cursing himself for not telling Cas how much he meant to him, and so he would tell him he could go back to Heaven, but ask him to stay.

As selfish as it might feel, he'd beg Cas to stay with him.

Last time he hadn't had the words, not quickly enough. All those times before, when he'd considered saying something, anything, he hadn't had the words. Had called Cas his brother, or just hugged him tightly and moved on, thinking he'd have more time, after. That maybe in some nebulous after he'd be good enough for Cas.

But he was good enough, right? He was trying, and the anger had gotten less now that Chuck was gone. He hadn't killed Chuck. Chuck had thought Dean was the ultimate killer, but he wasn't. He was so much more than that. Cas had seen it, and Dean had wanted to prove him right.

And now it would soon be time to give Cas his choice. Because Cas had chosen to give his life for Dean, hopefully he would choose to live for Dean, with Dean, too.

What was he supposed to say? He didn't want to be lost for words when the time came, so Dean would just have to rehearse them and stick to them. He could do that.

Offer Cas to go to Heaven. No, first tell him that Heaven was around again and not interfering, then offer him that he could go. Then tell him Dean wanted him to stay.

Tell him he could go to a peaceful Heaven, back to how it was before Dean. Ask him to stay. Say it's Cas' choice. Three things. He could do that.

And well, if Cas chose Heaven, Dean would pretend that he would find happiness on Earth. Cas shouldn't stay out of any sense of responsibility, not because Dean needed him, but because Dean wanted him to stay. Cas had chosen Dean, humanity, the whole world, over Heaven a number of times already. Cas loved him. He would stay, right? Dean would have the chance to kiss him silly. To cuddle up with him in front of a dumb movie. To make him breakfast like Stevie had done for Charlie.

They could be happy, Dean knew that. He couldn't doubt it anymore. Sam was happy, Jack was in everything and still occasionally popped by the Bunker for midnight cereal they kept in stock just for their kid. Charlie had Stevie, Claire had Kaia. There were still monsters around, but what was the difference between monsters and humans? Couple of extra teeth, sure, but there were vampires that only drank animal blood, werewolves like Garth and there were also entirely human serial killers. Hunters were still around, but they too had changed, their entire culture had.

Maybe he and Cas would hunt, or maybe they'd manage the Bunker, the Men of Letters heritage, that wasn't as clean as they had once thought. What they'd done to Mrs. Butters. The monster radar that didn't pay attention to whether those monsters murdered people or not. But they could be better. They could hunt and still eat apple pie and make burgers. Charlie had done it. They had seen plenty of people do it. Or maybe Sam and Eileen would take over the Bunker, the Men of Letters, and Dean could open a bar, reopen the Roadhouse.

They could have everything they wanted.

It was to those thoughts that Dean drifted off to sleep and dreamed pleasantly for the first time in weeks, if not years.

He startled awake, when he heard Cas clear his throat.

“Cas!” Dean couldn't stop himself now, he had to be close to Cas, closer, making sure he was here, same memories, same personality, no trauma, no leftovers, just his Cas.

Dean knew he was hovering. He had moved to sit on the bed, just next to Cas. The chair had felt too far away. Cas was here. He wasn't dead now, but he had been, again. Dean had spent weeks thinking Cas lost forever.

“Cas...” His voice cracked under the strain. “Don't you ever do that to me again, okay?”

Dean didn't really know what he was talking about. Dying? Confessing his love just before dying? Leaving in a more general sense?

“Hello Dean. What happened?”

What had happened? There had been Chuck, that cute dog, Michael, Lucifer, they'd defeated Chuck, Jack had turned God, Amara was there too, then all that stuff with the Empty and all the reunions. A lot had happened, and there would be time to tell all those stories, later.

“Everyone died. Then we fixed it. Chuck's nothing to worry about anymore. Empty's empty again, all the angels are back in Heaven, fixing things up.”

Dean took a deep breath. He had practiced this. He knew what he wanted to say. Tell Cas Heaven was an option, ask him to stay, remind him it's his choice.

“You can go to Heaven, to the angels if you want. They're going to clean up their act.” Step one. “But I'd rather you stayed here.” That wasn't clear enough, this wasn't about Sam, not about being family. Dean took another deep breath, his fingers gripping the sheets. He wasn't looking at Cas, he didn't think he could get it all out if he did. “Stayed with me.” That was step two. “It's your choice, but I want you to stay. I've always wanted you to stay and I never asked you to.”

Step three. He'd said his part. He'd finally found enough courage to ask the love of his life to stay. Ask him to choose Dean. There was more to say, but this was the most important bit, right?

“Why?"

That was definitely not an answer he had expected.

“Why what?”

Cas cleared his throat and Dean finally dared look up again. There was hope in Cas' eyes, but also fear, nervousness, insecurity. But mostly hope, a hope Dean suspected was mirrored in his own.

“You want me. To stay? You've always wanted me to stay? You, for Jack?"

For Jack? Was Cas truly that insecure?

"No. Not for Jack, though he missed you too. For me. Cas, you said you loved me. Said you had truly wanted this but you thought you couldn't have it, right? By that, you meant a relationship? With me? I'm not misunderstanding things here, right?"

Or had he understood everything wrong? He'd probably die of shame, or maybe of heartbreak. Dean rubbed the bridge of his nose and swallowed heavily. No, he'd be fine. He hadn't thought Cas loved him before, if it was platonic that was entirely fine.

“No, Dean. I meant just that. I love you.”

Cas loved him. Cas wanted to be in a relationship with him. Dean felt his heart pick up a beat. This was it. His eyes flickered down to Cas' lips. He could kiss him and it would be welcome. Cas seemed to be leaning in too, and Dean lifted his hand to cradle Cas' face.

He couldn't say who had actually started the kiss, but it was the closest to Heaven that he'd ever been.


End file.
